So much has happened since the last time I posted to this blog. My Monkey is turning three and he is a sturdy little monster that alternately charms his parents and then makes them wonder if he isn't actually half demon! Yes folks, he is a toddler. He is independent in a way that his sister's never were, or maybe time has glossed over these memories. I can't really tell. He is master of his domain, and so sweet he makes my heart melt. I have to admit I am as much in love with him as I am with his two sisters.
My girls are getting so much older. I cannot believe that my miracle baby will be learning to drive in just a few short months! She is quite the young woman. She has such a gamine, innocent charm but still she is all teenager. She has perfected the fine art of 'angsting' around and wonders about those wild, half tame creatures called boys. Right now she is content for them to be mostly imaginary but I worry that she is lonely. It seems to me she's been lonely since childhood. That doesn't mean she hasn't experienced having friends her own age and it made me doubly glad she never went to public school how much utter torment she was subjected to. Children can be such little shits! Course, to be fair, the worse ones have parents to match.
Ocoee, as she likes to be called now, is becoming a statuesque young woman with a very serious and thoughtful manner. She is slowly losing the acne that plagued her, and with increased activity is gaining quite a lovely figure. She is doing excellently in school except for math, which we will remedy this year. All in all I am proud of her accomplishments and her ability to think for herself and make rational decisions most of the time.
Digel is doing so well after last year that sometimes it seems like a dream that anything happened! Waking up to my child stealing money and running away was, hopefully, the worst thing I will have to wake up to ever again. She has blossomed though, her confidence has shot up. Her grades are keeping steady with her sister's and they should finish this year with all above average grades. YAY!
She has a gorgeous little figure and her vitiligo isn't bothering her as much this year. We got her some bare mineral make up that blends away the blotches and she's pretty darn adept at putting on makeup lightly and with taste. Both girls learned quickly that less is more and both have eyes that can ROCK a smokey look!
My relationship with the guys is going so good right now. Arch has passed his math class with a better grade than any of us were hoping for given how hard he had to work at it. Sigel's job has been changed all around but it means more money and less headaches, can't argue with that. The guys are learning to trust each other and it's amazing to watch. They still get on each other's nerves but what do you expect from a 'Butt Head Aries' and a 'Lazy King Leo'? I am so looking forward to the time we can all be under the same roof again even if it's only for a few weeks. Monkey misses his Daddy...
Howling In The Dark
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, August 12, 2010
My Monkey
OK so this blog was supposed to be all about the questions people ask me but I have Eden Cafe to blog that stuff now. So I'm gonna talk about my Monkey, and the Girls LOL
Monkey is now almost 9 months old and it totally learning how to RULE his domain. Boy can scream lemme tell ya! He is liking trying new foods but still has no sign of any teeth! He is pulling himself up and cruising with greater and greater ease and Adam is not looking forward to September when we go home. The Girls have enjoyed this trip more than the last one, thank goodness. They have been to Canada's Wonderland, Toronto Zoo, Square One Mall, all over Mississauga. They have ridden busses, trains and had some fun experiences in city driving. The pool is open here at the apartment as well so they've had loads of fun. Adam will come down in November for Mike's birthday party...gosh one year already it's gone by so damn fast. Hopefully he can get his ass into school soon so that three years can go by quickly.
Monkey is now almost 9 months old and it totally learning how to RULE his domain. Boy can scream lemme tell ya! He is liking trying new foods but still has no sign of any teeth! He is pulling himself up and cruising with greater and greater ease and Adam is not looking forward to September when we go home. The Girls have enjoyed this trip more than the last one, thank goodness. They have been to Canada's Wonderland, Toronto Zoo, Square One Mall, all over Mississauga. They have ridden busses, trains and had some fun experiences in city driving. The pool is open here at the apartment as well so they've had loads of fun. Adam will come down in November for Mike's birthday party...gosh one year already it's gone by so damn fast. Hopefully he can get his ass into school soon so that three years can go by quickly.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Does an interest in D/s stem from abuse I suffered as a child?
This is a tricky situation but I would have to say no it doesn't. An interest in Dominance and submission is brought on by a desire to test limits and build inner strength. If you are a person who normally feels comfortable being in control of any given situation you might desire to continue this role and indulge it, if you will. You might just as easily desire to free yourself of this role and submit to someone else for a time. If, however you are normally not comfortable being in control you might desire to assume a Dominant role during sex or you might desire to achieve a more profound self-control through relinquishing control totally to someone trust worthy.
In a safe, sane and concensual relationship the power lies in the hands of the submissive who controls the speed and depth of any "scene" or setting. Submission is about self control and Dominance is about helping the submissive challenge themselves. It's not about taking away someone's power or subhuming their will, it's about helping them master their own will and desires.
While childhood abuse might factor into what drives you I would submit that being interested in D/s is more about exploring one's limits and challenging them, it's more about self mastery than it is about self anihilation. Anything less is abuse plain and simple not Dominance and submission.
In a safe, sane and concensual relationship the power lies in the hands of the submissive who controls the speed and depth of any "scene" or setting. Submission is about self control and Dominance is about helping the submissive challenge themselves. It's not about taking away someone's power or subhuming their will, it's about helping them master their own will and desires.
While childhood abuse might factor into what drives you I would submit that being interested in D/s is more about exploring one's limits and challenging them, it's more about self mastery than it is about self anihilation. Anything less is abuse plain and simple not Dominance and submission.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Eden Fantasys
EdenCafe is making Valentines Day luxurious. Your chance to win Jimmyjane and Lelo for Him and Her. This is quite the competition! Go on over to the site, http://www.edencafe.com/jimmyjane-for-her-lelo-for-him/ and tell us all about your Valentine's Day plans and while you're there check out Eden Fantasys store for that special something for your sweetie!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Does being polyamorous make you more evolved? Does being pagan automatically mean I must be polyamorous?
In a quick answer, hell no! Being polyamorous means you like the freedom to experience many loves, and that you realize and accept the hard work it takes to have many love affairs. It is neither more evolved nor more natural to be polyamorous and you certainly don't have to feel like you must eschew monogamy if you embrace the pagan religious path! There are plenty of people in ALL religious paths that practice polyamory in one form or another, likewise there are plenty of people who practice monogamy in all religions.
I hesitate to lump humans into a not naturally monogamous catagory because humans have the unique ability to decide for themselves rather than relying on nature alone, to pair bond and be happy. It is true to say that pair bonding is not prevalent in nature. It is, however, workable in nature and therefore isn't unnatural for humans to be monogamous. It takes work, either way, to remain happy and properly stimulated in any sort of love arrangement. Willingness to do this work will result in a happy, harmonious bond regardless of the number of participants. Every one simply needs to be on the same page, so to speak.
Love is infinite this is true and our faith makes this truth manifest. Our Gods love fully and experience wholeness through the experiencing of all Her parts. We accept this as fact but at the same time our Gods also practice monogamy when it furthers knowledge and enriches experiential living. So to say that as a Pagan we are compelled to polyamory is to deny the richness of life. Remember that the altar is representative of the whole cosmos (as above so below...) so we have Goddess on the left, God on the right and a whole world of experience in between them. There is a place in the pagan faiths for monogamy, polyamory, nonmonogamy (both responsible and irresponsible), celebacy, GLBT loves as well as any other manifestation of love both positive and negative.
There was an uproar and flaming witch war over whether it was permissible for Pagans to be Gay or Lesbian because the God and Goddess are not...this is patently untrue! There are a whole slew of male/male and female/female pairings in the myths we tell about the Gods. It is not unusual for a God to see a very attractive man and sleep with him, likewise for a Goddess! There are tales of orgies wherein there were very few boundaries regarding the sexes. The Sacred Hermaphrodite is where we find the truth about sexuality...it is fluid and graceful about it's manifestations. There is not "right" or "wrong" way to love. Procreation is not the only reason for sex and as Pagans we accept this fact, so non-procreative sexual love can't be unacceptable in the eyes of our Gods. We are here to experience physical manifestation in all it's forms both positive and negative so as to enrich our Goddesses understanding of Her creation. To deny someone the right to be Pagan joyously because of their preferred lovestyle is to be sinful and all that we try to rise above.
I do recommend that you read all you can about the ups and downs of both monogamy and polyamory before you make a decision, same as I recommend research and self examination when deciding on a religious path. In the end there is no "right" or "wrong" path in life or in love, it all ends up at the same place in the end. Blessings on your search,
~Airen
I hesitate to lump humans into a not naturally monogamous catagory because humans have the unique ability to decide for themselves rather than relying on nature alone, to pair bond and be happy. It is true to say that pair bonding is not prevalent in nature. It is, however, workable in nature and therefore isn't unnatural for humans to be monogamous. It takes work, either way, to remain happy and properly stimulated in any sort of love arrangement. Willingness to do this work will result in a happy, harmonious bond regardless of the number of participants. Every one simply needs to be on the same page, so to speak.
Love is infinite this is true and our faith makes this truth manifest. Our Gods love fully and experience wholeness through the experiencing of all Her parts. We accept this as fact but at the same time our Gods also practice monogamy when it furthers knowledge and enriches experiential living. So to say that as a Pagan we are compelled to polyamory is to deny the richness of life. Remember that the altar is representative of the whole cosmos (as above so below...) so we have Goddess on the left, God on the right and a whole world of experience in between them. There is a place in the pagan faiths for monogamy, polyamory, nonmonogamy (both responsible and irresponsible), celebacy, GLBT loves as well as any other manifestation of love both positive and negative.
There was an uproar and flaming witch war over whether it was permissible for Pagans to be Gay or Lesbian because the God and Goddess are not...this is patently untrue! There are a whole slew of male/male and female/female pairings in the myths we tell about the Gods. It is not unusual for a God to see a very attractive man and sleep with him, likewise for a Goddess! There are tales of orgies wherein there were very few boundaries regarding the sexes. The Sacred Hermaphrodite is where we find the truth about sexuality...it is fluid and graceful about it's manifestations. There is not "right" or "wrong" way to love. Procreation is not the only reason for sex and as Pagans we accept this fact, so non-procreative sexual love can't be unacceptable in the eyes of our Gods. We are here to experience physical manifestation in all it's forms both positive and negative so as to enrich our Goddesses understanding of Her creation. To deny someone the right to be Pagan joyously because of their preferred lovestyle is to be sinful and all that we try to rise above.
I do recommend that you read all you can about the ups and downs of both monogamy and polyamory before you make a decision, same as I recommend research and self examination when deciding on a religious path. In the end there is no "right" or "wrong" path in life or in love, it all ends up at the same place in the end. Blessings on your search,
~Airen
Do you think the problem with polyamory is...
that people enter into it out of a desire to live a fantasy rather than make a conscious life choice?
To be honest we could ask the same about monogamous relationships. Were the people really comitted to making it work or were they in love with being in love? Relationships are hard regardless of the number of people involved in them. The statistics for divorce show that often people are not ready to do the work of building and maintaining a relationship. People being people it seems to me to correlate that those types that are looking for "some spice" by seeking out others are trying to find a quick or easy way of fixing something broken in their relationship. (Now obviously this isn't always the case, sometimes the couple are secure and really looking for spice to add to their already tasty relationship stew.)
Personally I feel poly relationships fail when the participants are not willing or able to utilize good relationship building skills...the same problem monogamous couples have. It takes work to make any relationship healthy and comfortable from co-workers to friendships to love interests.
For us opening our marriage actually saved our marriage by forcing us to work out our problems because our life partner wouldn't rest until we faced the fact that we loved each other and needed to work out our problems. That and he wouldn't have sex until he was sure his presence wouldn't destroy my marriage, he's prouod to not be a homewrecker! I wanted the man, Sigel wanted to watch me wanting the man, Arch wanted a place in our lives that was his own and it is working so far.
Will it last? I have no crystal ball to be able to answer that. Most relationships end but I am a stubborn bitch when I fall in love and I don't let go easily. My guys are the same so for as long as it works we'll hold on. Far from being fatalistic this attitude allows us to take a mature look at our lives and the state of our relationships and make decisions that benefit ALL of us.
Our motivation was simply that what we were doing wasn't working. We have always embraced the idea of building deep emotional relationships with others that included sex so the next step for us was to embrace the idea that a third (or more later perhaps) could actually add to our relationship rather than detract from it.
My husband and I have a very close bond that is also very intimate, but it wasn't always this way. For us the poly lovestyle allowed us to open up emotionally and physically to each other and heal most of the problems we had. It wasn't easy but we had our wonderful life partner along for every step of this final last push.
It's been a long road but it wasn't started because of a fantasy, in our case, the fantasy for us was monogamy. It was like a shoe that just didn't fit quite right though, the same feelings leveled by people who are not satisfied with polyamory or even swinging. For us, monogamy had us missing 'compersion'...both of us love to see each other being pleasured and loved by others. Rather than creating jealousy, for us, it fosters pride and joy. I know it sounds strange but it is a beautiful affirmation for me to see, hear and watch a woman loving this wonderful treasure of a man, either one of them actually! The jealousy in our relationship usually stems from fear of a lack of personal attention or status in our partner's lives. I am not jealous of someone receiving attention from my partners but I am frequently jealous of my partner's time. I like spending time with both my guys so sometimes the 'fear monster' rears it's nasty head and I have to do a bit of soul searching to see if I have a legitimate beef!
Still I will admit that in the beginning of my relationship with Sigel and then again with Arch I was jealous of their time, energy and snarled at any woman who came close. I was afraid of losing my cherished status in hteir hearts and I believe that, at least for me, this is natural. I don;t have to give in to the fear and I am honest with new partners about that tendency in myself. Both Sigel and Arch loved me, and let me be me. After I was confident that they wanted to be with me and loved me I was able to let my real personality shine through. I love to talk about my men and I love even more to see them through other loving eyes. Maybe that's strange and weird but it's something that I tried to do with my parents but they refused to see my husband as anything but an interloper who wasn't worth their precious time. The first time I had a girlfriend who said "OMG he is such a wonderful man, he is amazing!" I just glowed. It was the affirmation I was looking for!
Watching me loving and being loved by other people makes the love my husband has for me deeper and richer. It is more satisfying, for us to see this light shining through someone else's eyes than to jealously guard our "specialness" for fear it should disappear. I trust my husband to love me and want to be with me. I trust my husband to willingly work out disputes in a sane, mature manner (allowing for times when we act like complete lunatics forgetting we even know what mature means). I do not trust that if I box up my lover and best friend that he will remain with me, if I try to bind him to me out of fear of losing him, he will fly away at the first opportunity. I allow my other lover and best friend the same courtesies and I am richer for the freedom accorded by both of them.
To be honest we could ask the same about monogamous relationships. Were the people really comitted to making it work or were they in love with being in love? Relationships are hard regardless of the number of people involved in them. The statistics for divorce show that often people are not ready to do the work of building and maintaining a relationship. People being people it seems to me to correlate that those types that are looking for "some spice" by seeking out others are trying to find a quick or easy way of fixing something broken in their relationship. (Now obviously this isn't always the case, sometimes the couple are secure and really looking for spice to add to their already tasty relationship stew.)
Personally I feel poly relationships fail when the participants are not willing or able to utilize good relationship building skills...the same problem monogamous couples have. It takes work to make any relationship healthy and comfortable from co-workers to friendships to love interests.
For us opening our marriage actually saved our marriage by forcing us to work out our problems because our life partner wouldn't rest until we faced the fact that we loved each other and needed to work out our problems. That and he wouldn't have sex until he was sure his presence wouldn't destroy my marriage, he's prouod to not be a homewrecker! I wanted the man, Sigel wanted to watch me wanting the man, Arch wanted a place in our lives that was his own and it is working so far.
Will it last? I have no crystal ball to be able to answer that. Most relationships end but I am a stubborn bitch when I fall in love and I don't let go easily. My guys are the same so for as long as it works we'll hold on. Far from being fatalistic this attitude allows us to take a mature look at our lives and the state of our relationships and make decisions that benefit ALL of us.
Our motivation was simply that what we were doing wasn't working. We have always embraced the idea of building deep emotional relationships with others that included sex so the next step for us was to embrace the idea that a third (or more later perhaps) could actually add to our relationship rather than detract from it.
My husband and I have a very close bond that is also very intimate, but it wasn't always this way. For us the poly lovestyle allowed us to open up emotionally and physically to each other and heal most of the problems we had. It wasn't easy but we had our wonderful life partner along for every step of this final last push.
It's been a long road but it wasn't started because of a fantasy, in our case, the fantasy for us was monogamy. It was like a shoe that just didn't fit quite right though, the same feelings leveled by people who are not satisfied with polyamory or even swinging. For us, monogamy had us missing 'compersion'...both of us love to see each other being pleasured and loved by others. Rather than creating jealousy, for us, it fosters pride and joy. I know it sounds strange but it is a beautiful affirmation for me to see, hear and watch a woman loving this wonderful treasure of a man, either one of them actually! The jealousy in our relationship usually stems from fear of a lack of personal attention or status in our partner's lives. I am not jealous of someone receiving attention from my partners but I am frequently jealous of my partner's time. I like spending time with both my guys so sometimes the 'fear monster' rears it's nasty head and I have to do a bit of soul searching to see if I have a legitimate beef!
Still I will admit that in the beginning of my relationship with Sigel and then again with Arch I was jealous of their time, energy and snarled at any woman who came close. I was afraid of losing my cherished status in hteir hearts and I believe that, at least for me, this is natural. I don;t have to give in to the fear and I am honest with new partners about that tendency in myself. Both Sigel and Arch loved me, and let me be me. After I was confident that they wanted to be with me and loved me I was able to let my real personality shine through. I love to talk about my men and I love even more to see them through other loving eyes. Maybe that's strange and weird but it's something that I tried to do with my parents but they refused to see my husband as anything but an interloper who wasn't worth their precious time. The first time I had a girlfriend who said "OMG he is such a wonderful man, he is amazing!" I just glowed. It was the affirmation I was looking for!
Watching me loving and being loved by other people makes the love my husband has for me deeper and richer. It is more satisfying, for us to see this light shining through someone else's eyes than to jealously guard our "specialness" for fear it should disappear. I trust my husband to love me and want to be with me. I trust my husband to willingly work out disputes in a sane, mature manner (allowing for times when we act like complete lunatics forgetting we even know what mature means). I do not trust that if I box up my lover and best friend that he will remain with me, if I try to bind him to me out of fear of losing him, he will fly away at the first opportunity. I allow my other lover and best friend the same courtesies and I am richer for the freedom accorded by both of them.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
An excellent question:
"When your husband was off initially forming these outside physical relationships with other women, did he ever ignore *your* physical needs? And, likewise, when you were forming emotional bonds with other men, did you still fulfill his emotional needs?"
My husband and I have had a very hard, turbulent time with our anger issues and fears of abandonment. The simple answer is yes he did neglect or ignore my physical needs and in turn I most certainly did ignore his emotional needs. For us this fed our combined psychosis for many years. In reality what it came down to was me ignoring his need for physicality and his ignoring my need for emotional connection. We totally ignored each other's needs for spite and in passive agressive as well as full on agressive ways.
The harder answer is a tangled mess of blame, hurt and frustrated desire. Both of us were raised to have vastly different ideas about marriage and what it entailed. He was taught that physical fidelity was not a given and wasn't even to be really desired. A couple should explore their sexuality together and hang the consequences! The emotional side of marriage should be paramount, according to his Mother, and one should never fall in love outside of the marriage. (Something both his Mother and Father were guilty of, and that ended their marriage. Though his Mom did have a fairly successful marriage the second time round his Dad is even as we speak divorcing his third wife.)
I was taught that in NO way should a married person EVER give themselves physically to any other person than their spouse...by God's decree! Having addictive behavior and forming intense, destructive relationships with other people is fine. Even if the other relationships take away and block intimacy in the marriage you are ok to do this and it's just being social afterall...
So for many, many years he tried to coerce and threaten me out of my "frigidness" since he was certain I would enjoy his free wheeling sex life if I gave it a chance. Likewise I tried to coerce and threaten him into "opening up" to other people and losing the stand-offishness because I was convinced he needed these ties to be whole and happy. A veritable recipe for disaster. He resorted to cheating and I drifted farther and farther away emotionally.
I would half-ass try threesomes only to be ignored during them, fuelling my desire to avoid sex with others. I felt ugly and completely unattractive, hell not even my husband would touch me when any other woman was around! This was my perception and not at all the truth, but just try to convince me of that! He would half-ass try connecting emotionally with others. Like our physical connections, these other people could feel his reluctance so they avoided him... further convincing him of the uselessness of these ties and of his own unattractiveness. So he would go off and renew his feelings of self-worth with a stranger and I'd talk all hours of the day and night to strangers making them family. Neither of us was happy with that arrangement and we continued to pick and shove at each other.
It all came to a head when I finally gave in and let him talk me into yet another round of swinging sex, and I discovered online gaming. I met and got very close to a guy in the game and Sigel offered me to him like a prized cow. He even offered to drive me halfway across the States so this guy could sleep with me! It was the last straw as far as I was concerned...I was no whore to be offered up, it was like my husband was my pimp. I emotionally distanced myself further from Sigel than I ever had over this and when the guy online allowed his new girlfriend to tear me apart I was devastated.
It was during this time that Sigel was trying to make emotional connections and looking for someone to replace me since he was sure I was already gone. We were both so tired of struggling just to stay afloat, we were lonely and afraid. He met a woman that he thought would be everything I wouldn't be and I met a young man who was just as scared and lonely as I was.
As I started talking to this new guy I made the emotional connection I was looking for, a pure friendship. This guy knew I was married and determined that he would respect my marriage even if it didn't seem like Sigel did. Unlike every other person I had opened up to, this guy listened without judgement. He didn't try to fix my problems he just listened, he talked to me about his problems and asked my opinion. He never told me I needed to leave Sigel, he never told me that Sigel was the bad guy. He merely pointed out that there were two sides to every relationship, and we had been together for 15 years at that point we would work this out as well! With his gentle support I began to change, I began to see Sigel as the guy I had fallen in love with again. I began to talk to Sigel and then I began to listen. We were able to play online together instead of being passive agressive toward each other, and Arch was there the whole time just supporting me and listening. He pointed out when I was being unreasonable, when I was being passive agressive and when Sigel was doing the same. When sigel saw the changes in me he began to reach out to me again, we suddenly found ourselves meeting half way.
Arch didn't know anything about our sex life, he and I had decided that we were friends...period. As I began to relax with the group we had atracted around us in the game the exploits of Sigel and myself slowly came out. When Arch learned that we had been involved with people outside our marriage he wondered if there was a place for him. By this time Sigel and I were on the trembling edge of either growing our marriage into a place we were both comfortable or giving it all up. We were leery about bringing another person into this mix but we both wanted Arch, though for different reasons. I wanted him because I was more than half in love with him and Sigel wanted to see me enjoying sex with another man. When we met it was more than mere chemistry, it "felt right".
At that startling discovery Sigel and I had to reevaluate our opinions and actions because Arch had determined that he wouldn't be the "dirty secret" or the plaything, he would be a life partner or nothing. We had to face our deceptions because there was a third person there watching intimately. No longer could we play the neglect and retaliate game, we had a referee of sorts. Likewise there are times I will referee for them and Sigel will referee for Arch and myself.
Yes, we were guilty of ignoring each other's needs and desires. We have come to a place after much soul searching, and much emotional growth where we can balance our needs with the needs of each other. It can be done and it doesn't take a third party to be the catalyst, in our case I wouldn't have it any other way.
My husband and I have had a very hard, turbulent time with our anger issues and fears of abandonment. The simple answer is yes he did neglect or ignore my physical needs and in turn I most certainly did ignore his emotional needs. For us this fed our combined psychosis for many years. In reality what it came down to was me ignoring his need for physicality and his ignoring my need for emotional connection. We totally ignored each other's needs for spite and in passive agressive as well as full on agressive ways.
The harder answer is a tangled mess of blame, hurt and frustrated desire. Both of us were raised to have vastly different ideas about marriage and what it entailed. He was taught that physical fidelity was not a given and wasn't even to be really desired. A couple should explore their sexuality together and hang the consequences! The emotional side of marriage should be paramount, according to his Mother, and one should never fall in love outside of the marriage. (Something both his Mother and Father were guilty of, and that ended their marriage. Though his Mom did have a fairly successful marriage the second time round his Dad is even as we speak divorcing his third wife.)
I was taught that in NO way should a married person EVER give themselves physically to any other person than their spouse...by God's decree! Having addictive behavior and forming intense, destructive relationships with other people is fine. Even if the other relationships take away and block intimacy in the marriage you are ok to do this and it's just being social afterall...
So for many, many years he tried to coerce and threaten me out of my "frigidness" since he was certain I would enjoy his free wheeling sex life if I gave it a chance. Likewise I tried to coerce and threaten him into "opening up" to other people and losing the stand-offishness because I was convinced he needed these ties to be whole and happy. A veritable recipe for disaster. He resorted to cheating and I drifted farther and farther away emotionally.
I would half-ass try threesomes only to be ignored during them, fuelling my desire to avoid sex with others. I felt ugly and completely unattractive, hell not even my husband would touch me when any other woman was around! This was my perception and not at all the truth, but just try to convince me of that! He would half-ass try connecting emotionally with others. Like our physical connections, these other people could feel his reluctance so they avoided him... further convincing him of the uselessness of these ties and of his own unattractiveness. So he would go off and renew his feelings of self-worth with a stranger and I'd talk all hours of the day and night to strangers making them family. Neither of us was happy with that arrangement and we continued to pick and shove at each other.
It all came to a head when I finally gave in and let him talk me into yet another round of swinging sex, and I discovered online gaming. I met and got very close to a guy in the game and Sigel offered me to him like a prized cow. He even offered to drive me halfway across the States so this guy could sleep with me! It was the last straw as far as I was concerned...I was no whore to be offered up, it was like my husband was my pimp. I emotionally distanced myself further from Sigel than I ever had over this and when the guy online allowed his new girlfriend to tear me apart I was devastated.
It was during this time that Sigel was trying to make emotional connections and looking for someone to replace me since he was sure I was already gone. We were both so tired of struggling just to stay afloat, we were lonely and afraid. He met a woman that he thought would be everything I wouldn't be and I met a young man who was just as scared and lonely as I was.
As I started talking to this new guy I made the emotional connection I was looking for, a pure friendship. This guy knew I was married and determined that he would respect my marriage even if it didn't seem like Sigel did. Unlike every other person I had opened up to, this guy listened without judgement. He didn't try to fix my problems he just listened, he talked to me about his problems and asked my opinion. He never told me I needed to leave Sigel, he never told me that Sigel was the bad guy. He merely pointed out that there were two sides to every relationship, and we had been together for 15 years at that point we would work this out as well! With his gentle support I began to change, I began to see Sigel as the guy I had fallen in love with again. I began to talk to Sigel and then I began to listen. We were able to play online together instead of being passive agressive toward each other, and Arch was there the whole time just supporting me and listening. He pointed out when I was being unreasonable, when I was being passive agressive and when Sigel was doing the same. When sigel saw the changes in me he began to reach out to me again, we suddenly found ourselves meeting half way.
Arch didn't know anything about our sex life, he and I had decided that we were friends...period. As I began to relax with the group we had atracted around us in the game the exploits of Sigel and myself slowly came out. When Arch learned that we had been involved with people outside our marriage he wondered if there was a place for him. By this time Sigel and I were on the trembling edge of either growing our marriage into a place we were both comfortable or giving it all up. We were leery about bringing another person into this mix but we both wanted Arch, though for different reasons. I wanted him because I was more than half in love with him and Sigel wanted to see me enjoying sex with another man. When we met it was more than mere chemistry, it "felt right".
At that startling discovery Sigel and I had to reevaluate our opinions and actions because Arch had determined that he wouldn't be the "dirty secret" or the plaything, he would be a life partner or nothing. We had to face our deceptions because there was a third person there watching intimately. No longer could we play the neglect and retaliate game, we had a referee of sorts. Likewise there are times I will referee for them and Sigel will referee for Arch and myself.
Yes, we were guilty of ignoring each other's needs and desires. We have come to a place after much soul searching, and much emotional growth where we can balance our needs with the needs of each other. It can be done and it doesn't take a third party to be the catalyst, in our case I wouldn't have it any other way.
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